Given Up

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[listening to: Linkin Park – Given Up]

Yesterday, I had a moment.
I feel that some of it has carried over today due to me still feeling slightly annoyed.

I feel like…I’m two people.
One side: Wears heart on her sleeves, content, caring, friendly, loyal, etc.
Other side: chaotic, lost, can’t deal with emotions, and just wants to end it all.

I’m always putting myself last and I have been working on that. I’ve been working on trying to accomplish the things that I want to do. The things that makes me happy or smile, at least. But, as it never fails, I’m always met with disappointment.

I know that I’m not the only one that this happens to. However, I can’t speak on someone else. I can only talk about myself. I feelt that there’s a difference in feeling this way and finding a way out of it; than feeling this way and you’re stuck in this spin cycle. The only way off is death.

People will tell you all day long how they are there for you.
I actually hate when they do that.
Why?
Who is there for me? And that’s just a thing to say to make someone feel good or at least think its true. However, I know better.

I don’t have that despite what folks say.
They can read a blog or whatever a post, but nobody ever say “hey, I’m worried about you.”
And don’t start with the “but I do ask you ‘how are you?’ or “are you okay?’ but you always say that you’re fine.”
I say that because I know that you really don’t care and I don’t feel the the need to entertain your little “good deed” of the day.

When I say that I don’t have any friends…I mean it.
There are people who I thought were my friends, but nah. I was wrong.
-Can’t talk/vent to them about anything
-Not emotionally or physically there
-Too busy, but have time for social media
-“listens,” but don’t really hear a word that was said
Yes, I know that some folks are dealing with their own demons, stress, or whatever you want to call it. But, you want to know the difference between myself and them. If I can’t take you out for coffee or meet up with you, but I know that you’re going through some things; I try to at least send some joy their way, check on them, ask them if the need me for anything, and most definitely, if I see them post something that is out of character, I contact them right away.
But, like that saying goes, people only have time for what’s important to them. So, if you’re not on that priority list, then you don’t matter.

So, I’ve given up.
I’ve done so much for others that they’re blind to it.
Quick to acknowledge what someone else may have done or that one “good deed,”  but can’t see any of the things that I’ve done for them. Don’t recognize it.
If I have to look like the bitch, then so be it.
This is one of the major reason why I’m so closed off.

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