I feel like a…failure.

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[Photo credit: Kat Jayne courtesy of pexels.com

I’m sitting here drinking my lukewarm coffee as I self-reflect.
I started 2019 which such a positive high.
Being realistic and honest with myself, setting goals, and finding ways to tame my inner turmoil and deep thoughts.
I’ll admit, in the process of doing those things, a few things has slipped through the crack; but I’m aware of it.

It’s near the end of March and now I’m finding down on myself.
All it took was one thought.
My positive high settled down and my turmoil stretches awake.
You see, I wanted to work on myself this year.
After years of putting everyone else’s happiness first, I wanted to finally do what made me smile.

Yet, with this one thought, I feel like I wore rose-colored glasses since the creation of 2019. I think I was blinded by my eagerness that I didn’t see what was in front of me.
I feel like I do a lot for my family, but you can’t see it.
It almost as if I did nothing.
It’s like I’m just…existing.
What’s crazy is that I know of some people who just exist. They aren’t striving to reach a goal, aren’t trying to better themselves, and just putting up a front to band-aid their miseries. Yet they smile and laugh.
Maybe they can hide their stress better.
Who knows?

As I was on this mission of “doing what makes Erica happy,” I lost sight of how am I making my mark in the financial race for my family?
Am I to have a career? Am I supposed to work secondary jobs? Am I supposed to just work part-time forever?
Just be happy to have a job?

I feel like a failure because I don’t know.
I don’t know what I want to do for a job.
I just know that I want my family to be financially stable.
So, the burden isn’t solely on one person.
I know that I can’t teach TKD forever because I have no desire to own a dojang.
What about cooking? What about it as a career?
I feel like that is more of a hobby now.
I don’t feel passionate about cooking anymore.
I love to cook, but I haven’t had the desire to do so.
What about writing?
Fear has it locked up in cage.
That fear of nobody liking your content or people stealing your content to make it their own.

I have so many hobbies that a normal person can make a career out of. Yet, I’m twiddling my thumbs.
I’m a failure because its easy for other to just walk in a building to get a job.
I do it, no job is available.
I’m a failure because I have all this intellect, but its wasting away because I don’t know what to do with it.
I refuse to go back to school which would add-on to the big debt that I still owe from attending school the first time.
I feel like I’m hurting my family rather than helping my family prosper.

So, I sit here….
With my lukewarm coffee.
Frumpy body.
Disheveled hair.
Stressed bump face.
Picking a face mask to wear to hide my frustration from those around me.
Just wondering what my next move is going to be.

 

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