I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I know that I’m hard on myself.
I’m really trying to do better with my life, but I’m struggling.
Seems like I’m not doing anything right.
Or I’m not doing enough.
I can’t win for losing.
I let a lot of things slide by, put up with a lot of things that I normally wouldn’t do, and its as if, i haven’t done anything at all.
I try to be a good mom.
An understanding mom.
I encourage their interests, I try to teach them new things, and I’m honest about everything with them.
I try to prepare them for the world.
Yet, I feel like its not enough.
I feel like I’m not doing enough.
In my 11 years of marriage, I tried to be a good wife.
Even when I got slapped in the face with the infidelity, I stayed.
Even when I felt like I wasn’t getting any support, but more letdowns.
I tried to communicate, yet I often get my words twisted up.
I’m not saying that I am perfect, but hearing:
“There are times when I don’t like you.”
I can’t see of any time that I have done wrong.
Is it because I’m headstrong?
Is it because I’m not submissive?
Is it because I am the way that I am?
I supported every failing and unachieved dream,
Even when I disagreed with it or thought it was outright stupid.
Nothing is ever enough.
I keep putting on a band-aid.
I’m broken and I don’t know how to heal myself.
It’s not easy as “just do it!”
I can’t do it.
I’ve cried many rivers to cleanse myself.
To start over.
Yet, the cycle repeats.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
I don’t know where it went wrong.
I don’t know anything.
I just know that it’s not enough.
It’s never enough.