Drowning

It’s peak season at work.
I work 7 days a week.
I’m not eating as I should. Not hungry.
I’m not sleeping well.
Whenever I try to take a nap, I keep waking up.
I started to “sleep” in the dark with soft music.
I hate sleeping in the dark or being in the dark.
Period.
However, that isn’t really helping.
I get the majority of my sleep when I’m riding home from work.
But, what will I do when I start driving myself?
On some nights, I can get at least 3 hours of sleep if the girls are nearby me.
The weekends that they’re gone…all I do is sleep.
I work and then sleep.
The house is too quiet and lonely when they’re not here, so I try to ignore that by sleeping.
And when I can’t, I go to sleep…I go pester my sister by taking over her tv.
I just need sounds, but not be alone with it.
I’m not healthy.
I know.
Some days, I just want to be wrapped up in a warm blanket and watch funny movies with my kids.
Other days, I just want to be wrapped up in a warm blanket and never wake up again.
I’m drowning.
Right now, my kids’ love is my floaties.
But, how long will I be able to keep my head above water?

xx

Seeking Therapy

Hi all.
As you know, I’m not doing well.
So, I sought out help.
I want to get better.
It’s been hard for me lately at home.
Feeling lonely.
Abandoned.
Although I put my focus on my kids, they aren’t around me 24/7, so I tend to feel stuck.
The world is moving around me and I’m just standing there.
I talked with a therapist yesterday.
She says I’m grieving a loss.
That makes sense.
She says I shouldn’t concern myself with what he’s doing. I can’t get better that way.
That also makes sense.
But, I can’t help myself.
It’s hard having a person in your life to no longer be in your life.
It’s not the same as someone dying.

I’m dealing with two things. A small thing and a big thing.
The small thing is the dissolution of my marriage. The closure of my martial chapters.
A book that I don’t want to close, but it no longer has words inside.
The big thing is always feeling like a failure, low self-esteem, low self-worth, hatred for myself, and always feeling like everything is my fault.

I’m tired.
I’m tired of crying.
I’m tired of my thoughts.
I’m tired of the confusion.

I want to be happy.
I want to feel carefree.
I want to be loved…by myself.
I want to feel unbothered by things that are not in my control.
That’s what I want.
I want a break.
I’m tired of being tested.
Just let me relax or will I be one of those people who will never get a break?

xx

Intentions.

I’ve been watching a lot of manifestations and laws of attraction videos lately.
I’ve been listening to binaural beats, positive manifestations, and positive meditation-videos before bed.
It makes me feels really good.
Except for today.
It taught me how to have positive thoughts and to not allow negative thoughts/vibes to invade my space.
Except for today. I was in a really bad emotional/mental state.

I’m really trying to teach myself positive intentions.
I do only want the best for my tribe.
I want to create a healthy and positive space for them.
But if I’m not good, they won’t be good.

With the exception of today, these tools have been helping me rewire my brain.
I guess today was a factory malfunction, lol.
I’m really trying to laugh more.
Smile more.
Be relatable or connect in some way.
Participate in community activities more.
Try new things with and without my tribe.
I’m really trying to improve myself.

Although I lost a battle today, I think I will get back on track.
I will need to learn how to pray rather than vent all the time.
I ripped out all the negative writings in my journal to create space to not have a negative vibe.
Now, that doesn’t mean it’ll all be happy stuff.
I’ll just write how I feel and let it go.
Not dwell on it.
The same thing that I’m planning to do with this blog.
I don’t want it to be all negative.
I want to share more happy days as well.
I can do this.
It’ll be a long journey, at least until I get a therapist, but I’ll take it a day at a day.

xoxo

whew.

The last couple of days were positive days for me.
I was thinking positive, feeling positive, and wouldn’t let any other vibe mess with that.
I felt good about myself.
Today?
Whew.
I was an emotional mess.
I don’t know what came over me.
I don’t know what really triggered me into being sad.
I did know that I felt like he was just angry at me for no reason.
I didn’t give him a reason to be.
It seems like everything I said was misconstrued in some way.
Even he noticed it.
I’ve worked really hard on not being angry.
I don’t see the point in being angry about things anymore [as of now].
Some things that I should be angry about, I’m just sad about.
I really need this phase to pass on by.
I need this emotional rollercoaster to be at its completion.
I’m sick of the ride.

xoxo

stop it.

Yesterday was such a high that was followed by today’s low.
The constant reminder that you’re not wanted does something to the heart and soul.
I don’t understand why I keep remaining hopeful when I should just stop it.
I just need to let go.
I’m hurting myself.
Loving a person in a  way that isn’t reciprocated is like killing yourself repeatedly.

xx

today

Today was somewhat a productive day.
I started back writing The Silver Lining and I actually likes how it’s going.
I decided to publish said story on Wattpad, just to try it out.
I’m also working on another story that’s pretty much done, but I’m filling it out with more details and missing pieces.
I’m excited about both stories.

I’m trying to keep myself busy or else my mind will seriously wander.
I really don’t want that because I’m still having an internal battle with myself.
Life is hard for me right now.
I feel like I’m struggling alone…well, I am.
But, it’s so painfully obvious.

I need a reset button.
I want a reset button.

xx

the aftermath of the moment

All it took was a moment

My day started off neutral and then it became good.
I laughed.
I did the things I enjoyed.
I communicated.
And then…
A moment that’s usually fleeting came and ruined it.
For that moment, I didn’t have control.
Another battle that I’ve lost.

So, I’m sitting here.
Feeling stupid as ever.
Feeling like I’ve felt two months ago.
Feeling just so unwanted.
Feeling like I’ve wasted so much of my time…hoping for nothing.

Yes, I’ve worked on the change in me.
But, constantly getting hints that I’m not wanted is getting to me.
I get it.
You don’t want me back.
You want to be free.
You want to be casual and possibly bang Sally, Nesha, or Sophia.
I get it.
Or maybe I don’t.
I just know that a moment changed my feeling.
And it hurts.

xx

Feeling better

I’ve been on a self-care journey for a while now.
I keep track of my moods by the hour.
At bedtime, I listen to affirmations, binaural beats, or sleep hypnosis videos.

At first, it was really rough for me.
I wasn’t consistent with anything.
My thoughts were always negative.
Always crying.

Slowly, things started to change.
I became focused on myself more.
My mental health.
My affirmations.
I started to learn new things about myself.
I started smiling and laughing more.
Genuinely.

Things are becoming consistent.
There is still progress to be made.
I’ll still need to have a therapist for areas that I can’t improve alone.
I am proud of myself.
I’m happy that I’ve reached this place instead of constantly drowning.

I’m not saying that it can’t happen.
But, I’ll do everything that I can to keep it from happening.
I need to love Erica.
I need to know who she is.
I need to show her to the world.
To let them know that she exists.

xx

My thoughts without words